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Why Is It Always About You? : The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism, by Sandy Hotchkiss
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In this groundbreaking book -- the first popular book on narcissism in more than a decade -- clinical social worker and psychotherapist Sandy Hotchkiss shows you how to cope with controlling, egotistical people who are incapable of the fundamental give-and-take that sustains healthy relationships. Exploring how individuals come to have this shortcoming, why you get drawn into their perilous orbit, and what you can do to break free, Hotchkiss describes the "Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism" and their origins. You will learn to recognize these hallmarks of unhealthy narcissism -- Shamelessness, Magical Thinking, Arrogance, Envy, Entitlement, Exploitation, Bad Boundaries -- and to understand the roles that parenting and culture play in their creation.
Whether the narcissist in question is a coworker, spouse, parent, or child, Why Is It Always About You? provides abundant practical advice for anyone struggling to break narcissism's insidious spread to the next generation, and for anyone who encounters narcissists in everyday life.
- Sales Rank: #10108 in Books
- Brand: Unknown
- Published on: 2003-08-07
- Released on: 2003-08-07
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 8.44" h x .60" w x 5.50" l, .50 pounds
- Binding: Paperback
- 240 pages
- Why Is It Always About You: The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism
Review
The Hartford Courant A how-to not only for disengaging yourself from the narcissists in your life but also learning to live with them.
Drew Pinksy, M.D. A practical and accessible book about one of the most prevalent personality disorders of our time.
Jerold J. Kreisman, M.D. coauthor of I Hate You -- Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality. People who experience narcissism in themselves or in others now have a guide to help them steer through the storm.
About the Author
A prominent psychiatrist, James F. Masterson was born in Pennsylvania and educated at the University of Notre Dame and Jefferson Medical College. As a psychiatrist, Masterson became an authority on the treatment of personality disorders. He founded the Masterson Institute for Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy in 1977 and he wrote seven influential texts during his career. He died in 2010.
Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
Chapter 1: Shamelessness
Stephanie felt the ball leave her racquet cleanly and watched it sail deep into the back court, just inside the baseline. The focus of her attention was split between the path of the ball and her own body mechanics. "Watch the ball," she told herself, "get sideways, hit through, finish up." Forehand after forehand, she repeated her silent mantra until the rhythm of the drill overtook her conscious efforts at control. For a few precious moments, she was in that "zone" that athletes cherish when everything comes together and there are no mistakes.
She was smiling secretly, enjoying a licit high, wondering if her husband, Doug, had also noticed how well she was hitting today, when a heavily underspun return angled into her backhand. She lunged, stabbed, and caught the ball on her racquet rim, sending it flying out of the court. "You never read that spin," Doug scolded from the far court. "Never," Stephanie echoed, suddenly feeling as though she had just blown an internal tire. Pain washed over her and settled in the middle of her chest. She felt too heavy to move her feet, too awkward to connect the racquet at the end of her arm with the small neon projectile hurtling toward her. "I'll never be any good at this game," she thought miserably, smashing the next three balls into the net. The elation of only moments before had evaporated, replaced by a hopeless feeling of ineptitude. Stephanie swallowed the tears rising in her throat and gave herself a mental kick in the backside. "You're such a baby," she muttered to herself as she prepared to pack up and go home. "You wimping out on me again?" Doug called out. He was only teasing, trying to goad her back into the drill, but his words were like salt on a fresh abrasion. There would be no more tennis this day.
Boy, is she touchy, you may be thinking, and you would be right. In my business, we call this a "narcissistic injury," and as trivial as the things that provoke it may seem to an observer, to the injured party, the pain is devastating, as it was for Stephanie in this instance. What seems like a rather mundane occurrence is actually the reopening of a very old wound: a relationship of trust is disrupted by a "misattuned" communication (his criticism colliding with her joy) and, adding insult to injury, Stephanie's trusted husband failed to help make the pain go away. Stephanie's sensitivity, her sudden collapse from a state of pleasure, and her difficulty recovering her emotional balance all point to a very primitive sequence of experiences encoded deep within her psyche, most likely beyond the reach of her conscious memory. It is her hard drive for the emotion of shame.
Shame is among the most unbearable of human feelings, regardless of our age or station in life. Unlike guilt, it speaks not to the misdeed but to the misery of a pervasive personal flaw. We first experience shame in the eyes of our mother or primary attachment figure, when, starting around the age of one, we bring her (usually) our excitement and, instead of sharing our pleasure, she scowls and says, "No!" Her unexpected disapproval shatters the illusion of power and importance that is how we see ourselves at that early age, derived from our union with her. Without warning, we have been ejected from this paradise, and it can only be because we are bad. We feel bad, therefore we are bad.
For some children, this experience, repeated over and over in the course of socialization, is so crushing that they never quite get over it, and they spend their lives avoiding anything that makes them feel ashamed. Recent research in neurobiology has shown that the developing brain is not yet ready to process the intense experience of shame at the age when socialization begins and that the lack of an emotionally attuned parent at this crucial time can actually stunt -- for life -- the growth of the pathways for regulating such profoundly unpleasant emotions. What helps the infant's brain develop properly is for parents to provide what the young brain is not yet able to, the soothing of the very shame they have inflicted.
Catherine is the mother of a vivacious two-year-old who is the apple of her family's eye. When Janey had to share her mother's attention with a visiting infant one day, she expressed her indignance by hitting the baby. Catherine was horrified and scolded her daughter, then sent her to her room in tears of shame. Catherine felt compassion for her daughter, however, and did not let her sit with the humiliation too long. After a few moments, she went to her and said, "It was bad to hit the baby, and you must never do that again. But you are a good girl, and Mommy loves you. Now, let's go say 'I'm sorry' to Betsy," and then she gave her a hug. Together, they returned to the living room and Catherine helped Janey apologize.
When parents do not respond as Catherine did to soothe the shame they inflict, children develop their own means of compensating -- they wall off the intolerable feeling, and they use fantasy to distance themselves from the monster behind the wall. They cling to notions of themselves as special, powerful, or important.
In the Narcissist, shame is so intolerable that the means have been developed not to experience it at all. What psychologists call "bypassed shame" looks like shamelessness or the absence of a conscience, hiding behind a protective barrier of denial, coldness, blame, or rage. Since there are no healthy internal mechanisms available to process this painful feeling, the shame is directed outward, away from the Self. It can never be "my fault."
I recall one young woman I worked with from her late teens until her mid-twenties. A child of divorce who had been alternately pampered and ignored by her self-centered father, she struggled mightily with chronic feelings of low self-worth. She saw herself as stupid and repeatedly acted out her sense of incompetence. These feelings, however, and the shame that accompanied them, were close to the surface compared with the humiliation she felt at having been rejected and abandoned by her father. The depth of that pain was to be dramatically expressed one day shortly after she learned that he had been diagnosed with cancer. "Just in time for my wedding," she said, her mouth contorting in an ugly sneer. "He's never paid for anything in my life." The specter of his possible death -- the ultimate abandonment -- had pushed her past the shame of inadequacy to a state of congealed rage. She showed not even a hint of embarrassment at the coldness of her outburst, only raw, wounded contempt.
More typically, the shamelessness of the Narcissist comes across as cool indifference or even amorality. We sense that these people are emotionally shallow, and we may think of them as thick-skinned, sure of themselves, and aloof. Then, all of a sudden, they may surprise us by reacting to some minor incident or social slight. When shaming sneaks past the barriers, these "shameless" ones are unmasked for what they really are -- supremely shame-sensitive. That is when you will see a flash of hurt, usually followed by rage and blame. When the stink of shame has penetrated their walls, they fumigate with a vengeance.
Shame is the feeling that lurks beneath all unhealthy narcissism, and the inability to process shame in healthy ways -- to face it, neutralize it, and move on as healthier individuals do -- leads to the characteristic postures, attitudes, and behavior of the Narcissist.
Copyright © 2002 by Sandy Hotchkiss
Most helpful customer reviews
23 of 23 people found the following review helpful.
Extremely Informative and Well-Written
By J
I loved reading this book because I learned so much! As a child of two narcissistic parents (and narcissistic sister) this wonderful book provided me with much-needed answers! You will learn just how these evil narcissists operate and how some children of narcissists will become narcissists, too. Narcissists don't really have consciences, and therefore, they lack natural, human compassion. Any show of compassion or affection is just acting. You are a means to an end for the narcissist. Everything is about them. Even if something is about another person, the narcissist will make it about him/herself by twisting, lying, or trying to shine the limelight on his/herself. Anything you yourself accomplish or any good thing that happens in your life will be envied by the narcissists. When you're going through a rough time, they will rejoice because they now feel that they are superior to you. They are so filled with contempt, they may even kick you extra when you're down. Their narcissistic web knows no limits. They will ensnare you when you are needed (their narcissistic "supply") and discard or ignore you when you serve no purpose for them at the time. Narcissists like to play mind games at your expense. There is not much hope for narcissists, since, in order for them to accept help, they would have to admit there is something wrong with them. And, that my friends, will probably never happen. Narcissists believe they are superior to others. They are never wrong. They will never apologize for anything. The author gives detailed information on how to contend with these people if you want or need to keep them in your life. If you are dealing with toxic narcissists, you may want to exclude them from your life for your own peace and emotional healing. You will never win with a narcissist. They will always get the last word.
46 of 47 people found the following review helpful.
A Very Big Problem
By Hoosier Hayseed
I've been spending the whole day reading reviews about this book, and have one comment to make, which I realize is the only possible way to deal with these people.
I don't think it is possible to co-exist with them - to the extent that you have a choice.
Sometimes, I realize that you are forced to endure them, if it is a family member, especially, or a boss or co-worker.
Then, of course, you must find a way to cope with their antics.
But if it is someone you have encountered, who you have perhaps suspected, at first, but were not completely sure until you saw more evidence, I don't think it is possible to draw boundaries, and expect them to honor them, and to continue to have a relationship with them.
It's like being on top of a headstrong horse, which has barely been broken: This thing is much stronger than you, and is not about to do your bidding, and will kill you if you don't get off of it.
And that's really too bad, because narcissists are often very charming, and likable, but therein lies the problem:
If you try to continue to have anything to do with them, they will simply steamroll you in every way, and proceed to do exactly what they want to do, and nothing you say or do makes any difference.
In other words, the horse is going to do what he wants to do, so jump off of him and let him go, before you end up crumpled up on the ground, limp and unresponsive.
8 of 8 people found the following review helpful.
Everything will seem familiar if you know a narcissist
By S. Pinho
I went through various emotions when reading this book. First, it was a kind of comfort, because it described very accurately traits i feel like I'm encountering more and more the older I get. There's something comforting about having a name for a phenomenon and also about knowing that I'm not the only one observing it.
Second, it was a kind of unease, as I realized I had symptoms of both an enabler as well as of a narcissist (apparently many have at least a few symptoms of narcissism, but actual full-blown "narcissistic personality disorder" is somewhat rare), although there were excellent practical suggestions as to how to overcome them （as well as, interestingly, for how to coexist with narcissists).
Third, it was a kind of fascination--i was basically shocked at how parenting during the first 36 months of a child's life can affect how emotionally/mentally healthy and capable a person can be at age 30. I now want to study more about early child development. Seriously shocking--even more surprising is how many seemingly healthy kids come out of families not necessarily educated about this development period.
Fourth, i was (am) bound by a desperate question: is it possible for someone with strong narcissistic tendencies to recover? I.E.: is there hope!? If not, this may be one of the most depressing books I've read, as an American (where narcissism has been steadily on the rise). I'm desperate to know this answer, and have done research to try to find the authors email address to ask her!
One additional note: I deducted one star because, towards the end, the author vaguely draws a link between the decline of the prevalence of monotheistic "traditional" religion in American culture and the rise of narcissism, but does not provide sufficient (or any, really) argument for this link, nor does she provide reasonable cause to believe that a return to such religion would put narcissism on the decline (nor am I persuaded that is even her argument). As a direct result of this passage, her credibility took a big hit in my mind; thank goodness it was towards the end, and thank goodness the rest of it made so much sense. However, I now feel like I need to read more to validate what I learned in this book.
(My Goodreads review: https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/1045305037?book_show_action=false)
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